Galactic Hitman Review

Galactic Hitman

$1.99
Galactic Hitman
2

Game Play and Mechanics

2/10

    Visual Style and Quality

    5/10

      Sound Quality

      2/10

        Story Elements

        1/10

          Fun Factor

          1/10

            Replay Value

            1/10

              Pros

              • Whoever made the assets did decent work…

              Cons

              • No Enemy Animations
              • Shooting Galleries Aren’t Fun
              • No Real Story
              • Barely Qualifies as a Game

              GH

              I’ve been sitting here trying to write this review for some time now, but every time I started writing, what looked to be gibberish appeared on the screen. I was perplexed at first, until I realized that it was backwards Latin that I could only partially translate. Something about what someone’s mother does in Hell or some such. That was all it took for me to confirm that there are some Beelzebub level shenanigans at play in Galactic Hitman, as my having played it can only be the result of supernatural retribution. While I plan to retrace my steps later and reseal whatever Nether Realm this game came from, a temporary PC exorcism (I turned it off and turned it back on)  should allow me to complete this review unscathed.

              Game Play and Mechanics: 2

              Let me be clear here, the game got one point for having basic WASD with Mouse Aiming controls that worked semi-decently, and the other for the Quit option working as advertised. Otherwise, it’s hard to think of anything that qualifies as a mechanic. Enemies are arrayed around various rooms shooting gallery style, never move except to rotate themselves towards you, and they fire at you constantly with no regard for their own safety. That’s it. You proceed from room to room, shooting proverbial fish in a barrel until the game says you’re done. You repeat this process five more times to beat the game.

              2015-09-30_00001

              These guys will just stand there shooting Jolly Rancher flavored lasers at me until one of us dies.

              Also, notice the ammo count in the lower right of the screen shot above? Yep, someone couldn’t code a reload mechanic, so you just start with 10,000 rounds in your magazine.

              There is some kind of physics engine at play, but I think that’s only there so you can use your grenades to clear a path when the many, many nondescript crates block your path. You can hit the ‘F’ key to pick up a crate, and I do mean a single crate. Once you pick up an object, if you throw it down and run across the room to move a different object, the first one will leap back into your hand out of jealousy. So, yeah, grenades are the best choice for making your way through a messy room.

              Oh, and did I mention that if you are having trouble getting through each level, you can just crouch to avoid most, if not all, incoming gunfire?

              Visual Style and Quality: 5

              OK, let me explain something. The only reason I’m giving a 5 here is because someone, somewhere put in some work here, it just wasn’t the… well, for lack of a better term, the developer. Most, if not all, of what you see will be from the Unity Asset Store. Bought assets aren’t a bad thing if used as a starting point. A foundation if you will. But buying a pack and then tossing the assets around haphazardly won’t get you any credit.

              Alien-Mercenary

              “Developer” Every Click Counts didn’t even bother animating this poor guy.

              What work was done outside of the Asset Store is slipshod at best. Just check out this… force field?

              2015-09-30_00002

              Why are there even windows if this is all you have to show me?

              At least the people that actually put in work on the models and textures got paid. There’s that.

              Sound Quality: 2

              The sounds aren’t terrible in and of themselves. Probably stock sounds from an asset pack, but after such prolonged exposure to Galactic Hitman, I simply can’t be arsed to go check. Sufficed to say that you won’t be able to distinguish most of the sounds over the constant hail of gunfire volleyed at you the moment to dare show your face. At least you will know you are making progress when the game shouts, “Target down!” at you over and over and over.

              Story Elements: 1

              This is from the Steam Store Page:

              The Dargenziz pirates have taken control of our expansions in the zeta quadrant and we have a dire emergency that can only be handled by you. Colonist ships are already in route and you are the closest available contractor to assist our cause. Clear out the pirate filth before the colonists arrive to avoid massive casualties on our side.

              Those three sentences are more in depth than the story that appears in the actual game.

               Fun Factor: 1

              I really, really, REALLY want to put a Zero here. I really do. But… it’s a 1 to 10 scale. My hands are tied. Seriously, if this game was just boring, it would have gotten a better score than this. Galactic Hitman makes me angry. I find it seriously infuriating that someone is charging money for this, and that it somehow managed to get on Steam. Why? Why is this a thing that can happen?

              Replay Value: 1

              HA!

              Conclusion

              No. Just no. Don’t buy this game. If someone offers to give you this game, cut all ties with your former life and assume a new identity, for that person intends to do you harm in unspeakable ways. It’s not worth the risk.

              Now, if you’ll excuse me, the Priest is here to assist me with the uninstall process.

              2015-09-30_00004

              It’s finished… I did this for you, loyal Replayers. By God, I did this for you!

              Galactic Hitman retails for far too much money $1.99US, and is available HERE.

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